I want to formally bid you farewell. It's been a lovely and painful road with you but for the past 5 days I've completely cut you out and can now, finally, see the fruits of my labor for the past couple of months doing countless ab workouts. Not consuming you is preventing the swelling, gas and pain. Your cousin, soy, has been good to me and I can't justify turning back now. Yes, dairy, I do realize that this means no milk chocolate or pizza or creamy alfredo. It's just a risk I'm going to have to take, but I appreciate your concern. I have been cheating on you with soy for the past couple of months now and as terrible as this is going to be for you I'm going to need to flush my relationship with you and lactaid down the toilet. It's really not you. It's me. If only you would stop trying to pop up everywhere I go. Stop trying to sneak yourself into chips and other innocent snacks. You leave them out of this. I appreciate your comfort over the years with your milk chocolaty, creamy, gooey, yumminess but I'm sure there will be a more suitable taker who would love to indulge in all that you have to offer. If I may, I know this hurts, offer some advice... tell that nasty lactose to take it easy. He's not helping anyone. And just between you and me, no one actually NEEDS him. As much as I would love to say that we won't be running into each other in the future, I can't promise you that. I'm sure there will be an occasional lunch date. Revisiting what you do to me makes about as much sense as Drew Carrey taking Bob Barkers job on The Price is Right yet, it still might happen. It'll take time to recover but I know that you'll use that time wisely and heal from the hurt I know I've caused.
You'll always have a place in my heart,
With sincere regret,